The Bitter Beginning

This is not an inspiring story.

I am not a go-getter or an optimistic person when it comes to diet and exercise. I am not here to relish in my "victories" but to languish in my failures, and hopefully make some people laugh. Also, I'm one vulgar bitch. Parts of this Almost all of this will be crude and disgusting. I've said this in my blog description but I will say it again: This is not an inspiring story.

I can fit two more thighs in my thigh gap!

I just went back to work this week after a very exciting vacation. My office decided to do this "BIGGEST LOSER" challenge where we all competed to see who could lose the most weight over vacation. We even decided to make it more interesting by putting in money for a winner-takes-all competition! At first, I was actually excited by this because after all, I am the heaviest woman in the office and everybody knows that fat people lose weight more quickly. Plus, I was up against people who really didn't need to lose any weight at all. I'm talking like 98 pound bitches who eat a grain of rice and feel bloated. The type that consistently and annoyingly complain about their size, even though they are slim and probably focus every ounce of their energy making sure they stay that way. The type that are looking for validation and turn to a fat girl for it, because after all, we are easy targets for the "Oh, but you're so skinny!" complement.

    That shit ain't cute, slim ladies.

However, my initial excitement turned to shit-your-pants horror when I realized that we would all have to weigh ourselves in front of the office and write our weight up on the bulletin board for all the judgmental world to see.

This is something that's pretty normal for Indonesians, who have no problem telling you how ugly or fat you are in any situation.

(As an example, one of the women I work with once came up to me, pinched me in the side, and then proceeded to tell me how her husband had lost so much weight on this new exciting miracle super diet and I should really try it. It was a good day. )

But I fucking did it anyway.

I got on the scale, I wrote my weight on the board, and then thought to myself, 'I'm gonna win' right before one of the teachers came up to remind me that the only person in the office heavier than me is a male bodybuilder. (Go fuck yourself, buddy).

Anyway, long story short, I lost. And not just by a little bit. I got pulverized. Let's just say that if I had to rank how badly I lost on a scale of 1-10, (10 being the most loserish) I would rank my weight in pounds. I was LITERALLY the biggest fucking loser.

Then, the head of my school decided to give me some ample advice by telling me to take tips from the winner so I could slim down. But don't worry! He made sure to do this in front of the entire office so I wouldn't have to eat my shame/defeat sandwich all by myself.

Oddly enough, this was my motivation. 

I felt such defeat that day that I decided to keep going anyway. You probably think the connective in that sentence should be "but" but not really. The defeat and shame is what is pushing me to keep doing this, even though it sucks big donkey dick.

Punny, punny dog.

So here's the skinny...see what I did there?

Dieting sucks. Exercise is awful. Why? Well, this shall be the purpose of my blog: to tell you all the reasons why it sucks while still trying to do it. Along the way, I'll also share with you some of my greatest fat shaming moments throughout history, including but not limited to:

• Asian people take pictures of my enormous ass.
• The McDonald's delivery guy tells me I shouldn't be eating this stuff. 
• Stores won't let me try on their clothes because they don't want them to be stretched. 
• My personal trainer stares at me with disdain.

And many, many more insightful pieces. You should know that this blog is not meant to invoke sympathy. Yes, I still get hurt by the shitty things people say to me, but that by no means limits my sense of humor about it. It hurts for a little while, it's funny forever.

Meanwhile, if you have any great Paleo recipes or P90X tips, please, keep them to yourselves. I am thoroughly uninterested in both of those things.