Two Weeks

Things are going relatively well.

I've been on the slow-carb diet now for almost a full two weeks and things are going better than I had anticipated. Don't get me wrong, I understand fully that this could still be New Year's bravado rearing it's deceptive head, but I'm going to be cautiously optimistic and say that I have a chance of sticking with this for a while.

Anyway, the first few days actually weren't the worst. Everyone always says they will be, especially when you go from consuming a shit ton of sugar and carbs to practically none, but actually, I've found the first few days are always easy. Why? Well, like I mentioned, it's bravado. The first few days you start anything new, you always feel this rush of optimism, like "THIS time it's totally different, guys." This, of course, is usually crushed to oblivion by a reality sledge hammer, but I did manage to make it through the subsequent torture period. Meanwhile, I've been able to make some observations as I've been going along.

1. This diet takes flatulence to a whole new level.

I don't give a fuck if that's TMI. For those of you who don't know about the slow-carb diet, what it does is replaces all the white starchy carbs with beans, which are still carbs but for some scientific reason that involves chemicals and equations and shit, don't make you store fat the way white carbs do. So while you're still getting the carbs you need for energy and to stay full, you aren't putting on all the fat and spiking your insulin levels. So, you are literally eating beans at every single meal and when you're body isn't used to that, let's just say you better either spend the first few days hidden away in your house in a room with good ventilation, or start working those sphincter muscles to practice control. The crazy gas is only temporary (like 4 days) before your body starts to get used to it, but GOOD GOD DAMN it is awful for a while.

2. Cheat Day is the shit!

I'll readily admit that the diet gets more and more difficult the further along you are in your week. My cheat day is tomorrow and I can tell you right now that I want to devour an entire chocolate cake. Just thinking about how much I'm going to eat tomorrow makes me so hungry. But, the cheat day is a good incentive. Unlike most diets where you are constantly torn between having that small ass cookie and feeling guilty for a week, or sadly watching as your friends eat them in bliss, the slow-carb diet gives you one day of the week where you are literally encouraged to go buck fucking wild. Let me give you a rundown of what I ate last Saturday:

• McDonald's Sausage Egg McMuffin
• 3 McDonald's Hashbrowns
• McDonald's Ice Coffee Float
• 7 (YES, SEVEN) Krispy Kreme Donuts
• Carl's Jr. BBQ Western Bacon Burger
• Carl's Jr. Large French Fries
• 20 oz. Coca-Cola
• 16 oz. Mango Juice (Not fresh, all sugar)

And I still lost weight this week! It has something to do with "tricking" your metabolism, I think. Anyway, you just have to go right back to the slow-carb diet the day after, which is why my cheat day is on a Saturday, so I can recover on Sunday. 

3. HabitBull is legit.

I wasn't sure if it was really going to help, but having an app on your phone to remind you to stay with it is actually very beneficial. Just seeing that string of days where I have stayed on track gives me that much more encouragement to keep going.

4. Boredom can seriously fuck up your progress.

I've noticed (not just in the last couple of weeks, but over a while now) that I get bored extremely quick and it is fucking DETRIMENTAL to my progress. The second I don't have something that needs to be done, I either do one of three things:

1. Stress
2. Eat
3. Stress eat 

It's like fucking clockwork. It's crazy how fast I can get bored and then consequently shove mounds of food into my mouth. I've been trying to keep that in check more by promising myself that I will do something active if the boredom comes rather than just sit around and stress/eat.

5. My skin game is on point.

This diet does wonders for my complexion. I'm assuming that has something to do with how much less sugar I am consuming on a daily basis, but to be honest with you, I don't even care what it is. My skin has never been clearer. Although I've never had any major skin problems (never had bad acne or anything), there is a notable difference on this diet. This selfie I took has no filter and I'm not wearing any makeup. Just sitting on the couch in a t-shirt like the slob I am. So yeah, that is definitely another great incentive to sticking with it. 




Well, considering I'm only two weeks in, I'm still an infant when it comes to this diet. But I will keep you posted on any discoveries, as well as start writing some more blogs about general dieting and being fatty McPatty. Wish me luck!!

I Have Failed Miserably

It's important that I acknowledge my abysmal failure.

Why? Because being an idiot with food is much like being an idiot alcohol or money--you will never get better until you admit wholeheartedly your fuckups.

I started teetering off of my diet and exercise somewhere around mid-November. Yeah, I was finishing up my Master's degree and working, but it would be disingenuous of me to pretend that those were the only factors in me quitting. Truthfully, I just got fucking sick of it. For anyone that's ever had to diet, you can probably relate to this on some level. But if you are trying to lose weight and you also happen to be fat like me, I'm sure what I'm writing right now speaks to the depths of your fatty fat soul. It isn't just that the food sucks when you diet (because it does, anyone who says otherwise is a liar), it's that you get so fucking resentful of people who are a normal weight or thin and they NEVER have to watch what they eat. They can eat that slice of pizza, or have a drink (or 3), and they can indulge in the holiday food fuckery that the end of the year always brings, while playfully joking about the 10 extra pounds they gained, which will melt off of them in the coming two months. (Yes, I KNOW this isn't an accurate portrayal of EVERYONE. But this IS how many people in my situation feel and it can drive you to misery).

Anyway, I stopped tracking my food on Weight Watchers and then started to take a lot of days in a row off of the exercise and that just eventually snowballed into it being the holidays and having far too much temptation around me to resist. So I became sedentary again (with the exception of one or two days of jogging which I did because my husband could see how miserable I was getting and encouraged me to go on a jog with him) and stopped thinking consciously about what I ate all together. I devoured bagels and ate out (in restaurants, you perverts) every chance I could.

Now, I have gained back every ounce of weight I had initially taken off and am starting over again...again...again. I quit Weight Watchers because it recently reinvented itself as well, and now all of the food and recipes I've entered are all different point values. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but part of being able to commit to something like this is memorizing those point values so that you can quickly add them to daily allowances. It's much more convenient that way and when you have to start all over again, it is extremely tedious and ultimately discouraging.

I've decided to try the slow-carb diet, which I've done before with some success. Is has it's pros and cons.

Pros: 

• No counting anything as long you only eat the allowed foods.

• One day a week you get to pig-out/ satisfy your cravings.

• Relatively quick results.

 Cons: 

• Very little variety in food.

• No fruit (except on free days).

• No sugar (except on free days). 

The slow-carb diet is definitely challenging, but it is doable. It's also probably the most convenient diet I've ever tried because like I mentioned, you don't really have to count anything. The cheat day thing is a bit tricky, though. On one hand, it's a great incentive throughout the week. If I control myself, I can enjoy the pizza and chocolate on Saturday. On the other hand, it can sometimes backfire because the cheat day can get out of hand. Also, sometimes women can't even get away with a cheat day so we'll see how it goes. I don't really consider this to be an elimination diet though, because at least I'm allowed to have what I want ONE day a week. I KNOW I couldn't give up white carbs forever, but if I can get my fix once a week, I might be okay.
                                                                                                                                                                                 
I've also downloaded an app on my phone called "HabitBull" that helps me track the days I do the shit I'm supposed to do. It's free and very simple to use. Believe it or not, I'm the type of person who is very encouraged by seeing a string of dates on a calendar checked off, so I think having this will help somewhat. Also, having bad habits is pretty much what has gotten me into being overweight. I have a habit of eating too much shit.

Also, what I like about the slow-carb diet is that if you really follow it, you start to notice a change very quickly. I'm talking within a week's time. That's faster than anything else I've ever tried and results are ALWAYS the best incentive to keep doing something.

DIET STARTS MONDAY. 

So here we go again. No idea if this will work or not but I'm willing to try and get my weight down by changing my habits and then maybe eventually, I can start reintroducing some of the bad foods in moderation. I have little to no confidence in myself, because I'm me but I will continue to keep trying this shit until something works or I end up being lifted out of my house by a crane.