Health Zealots

Whenever I hear someone say that vegetables taste better than junk food my reaction is always:

NOPE.

Excusez moi? Ok, no they fucking don't. If they did, there wouldn't be millions of people like me, who are obese. Americans would all be thin and clear skinned, grilling broccoli for their 4th of July barbeques and slicing up cauliflower at their birthday parties. You don't get to the point in your life where you need a crane to break you out of your house by over-indulging on baby bok choy.

Now, don't get me wrong vegetable lovers. Although I consider myself to be a completely different, far less superior species than you, I think we can all agree that vegetables can taste wonderful when you know how to prepare them. Unfortunately, any brief episodes I have cooking look like this:

I cannot, however, conceive that vegetables taste anywhere near as delicious as pretty much every food on Earth that is completely despicable for you.

One of the absolute worst things about being on a diet, however, is dealing with well-intentioned health zealots. Please, tell me about the low-fat, gluten free Paleo Atkins fuck-a-thon superfood diet you've been trying for the last 3 minutes of your life so I can revolutionize my eating habits.

Eat my shit! Now loaded with nutritious veggies!

We get it Gweneth Paltrow, anyone can sustain a healthy lifestyle on as little as a food stamp budget, so long as we have the monetary wealth and social prestige to promote that lifestyle through our own multimillion dollar business.

These zealots will creep into any gathering with delicious food and proceed to tell you how to live your life. They'll try to convince you, between their cigarette breaks, that you should be ashamed of putting something so unhealthy as McDonald's in your body.

These types of people are also usually one-uppers. DON'T, I repeat, DON'T tell them that you just started dieting or they will tell you everything you are doing wrong and somehow rope you into doing hot yoga, which is basically just a very slow way of drowning in your own body sweat.

And as I mentioned, they are usually well-intentioned, yet seldom appreciated when the reality of dieting for you is a completely different reality from their own.

Take, for example, someone who tells you that they never count calories. They just eyeball portion sizes and when they feel like having a snack they do. It's really so simple...ahahahahhahahahaha hAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

NO! 

Please, for the sake of my sanity, and all the people within a few miles who might be effected by me setting this place on fire, don't tell me that. Tell me the fucking opposite of that. Tell me that you lay awake at night wondering if you had one too many peas and you secretly sneak to the refrigerator in the middle of the night to "steal" calories to which you don't feel entitled.


My only hope for the world is that we can all stop pretending that juice fasts don't suck dick. That maybe someday we can all just agree that food that isn't good for us tastes goddamn delicious while still trying to limit our intake of it.

Also, it would be awesome if carbs just weren't a thing.