How to Have a Fat Friend

I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

You're an adult and you can do or say whatever you want. So please don't take this as some type of supreme guide or wagging of the finger towards you, because that really isn't the intent. The intent is really just to reveal how fat women are sometimes made to feel around their non-fat friends. This in no way means that non-fat people are devoid of problems or their own insecurities. Of course they aren't! But there is a very particular dynamic of being a fat woman with non-fat friends and I'd like to give you just a bit of insight into how it feels. So, please don't tell me all your problems. Don't tell me I'm being one-sided: I know that I am, because I am approaching this issue from one particular side that I fully understand and want others to understand better. Also, because there are a million descriptors for body types, I'm going to refer to people who aren't fat as non-fat friends. No, I don't think you are skim milk, but it's just an easy way to identify without having to write three million adjectives. So, how can you have a fat friend?

 

Laugh with us.

This has been difficult for many of my friends, especially my female friends. I will very often (as in, almost every other sentence) use self-deprecating humor about my weight. First, because it's awesome to make people laugh. Second, because I really do have a sense of humor about my body, the impossible standards to which all women are held, and my destructive relationship with food. I think it sometimes becomes tricky for my non-fat friends because it's hard for them to know if laughing will make me angry. No, it won't. I want you to laugh with me, that's why I made the joke. I want you to know and understand that I am not some frail little ball of insecurity, ready to unravel at the slightest judgement. Fat people are sturdy, and not just because of their weight. We have been judged and probably ridiculed our entire lives, and because of that we are not easy to break. Also, we just want you to have fun with us. So please, if I make a joke about my enormous ass, or feeling like I'm gonna break the stool at the bar, just laugh with me. This doesn't mean you have to confirm how fat we are, just laughing is sufficient.

 

Don't call yourself fat if you're far smaller than us. 

This probably seems unfair because of course, all women are entitled to feel insecure about their bodies sometimes. It's natural for EVERYONE to feel shitty about the way that they look at least at some point in their lives. But if you are quite thin, or at least much thinner than your fat friend, please do not call yourself fat in front of them. This is usually a way of reaching out for reassurance. I've many times in my life, had thin women call themselves fat cows or pigs in front of me simply so I could give the anticipated response of "Oh my god, no you're not! You're so thin! I wish I could be as skinny as you..." etc. This packs a very particular punch when the person you are saying it to is much larger than you because if you're a fat pig, what does that make me? A dinosaur?

You may be thinking to yourself, 'Why is it ok for fat people to make fun of themselves in front of us, but not ok for us to do it in front of them?' I'm glad you asked!! There's actually a huge difference between these things. First of all, when I talked about laughing with us it is because the type of self-deprecation I was referring to is based in HUMOR, not in an attempt to fish for complements. Also, the reason it's funny when fat people do it is because, like all great humor, it is based on the truth. We may use hyperbole to jest about our fatness, but it's funny because it's reality. When a thin person does it, the humor does not translate because they obviously have no idea what being fat is like. Lastly, there is a biting insensitivity that comes along with this. Imagine a man walking up to someone in a wheelchair and complaining about how tired he is from taking the stairs.

 

Please stop comparing us to Melissa McCarthy. 

I can say without the slightest hint of exaggeration that Melissa McCarthy is a supremely amazing woman. She has a beautiful family, a wonderfully successful career, and is legitimately one of the funniest human beings on the planet. So, when I say stop comparing me to her, it is not from lack of respect. That woman is wonderful. But really, I'm being compared to her for only one reason: we're both fat. I understand, it's kind of the first thing people notice but it feels pretty insincere when someone tells me I look just like her. No, I really, really don't. You're just seeing two fat people. The same goes for Adele. My whole office currently calls me Adele any time I wear makeup even though we don't at all look similar. Look! It's a fat girl with a pretty face! (Proceed to go through Rolodex of famous fat girls with pretty faces and....)Adele! Yes, that's who you look like.

 

Try to stand up for us. 

I get it. It's fucking awkward when someone says something shitty. I completely understand not wanting to be confrontational. But fat people are constantly being trash talked, and this often happens in front of their non-fat friends. Even saying something as simple as "Dude, don't be a dick," would be greatly appreciated. Also, if someone says something shitty about your fat friend's weight when they're not around, correct that shit ASAP. Going along with it or just staying quiet is a signal to that person that it's okay to be a shithead to your friend. I was once at a bar, talking with a male friend when another guy just walked over, gave me a horribly dirty look and then turned to my friend and said, "I'm wondering why you're over here talking to some fat chick."(Here, fat was not used merely as a descriptor, but as an insult). I can usually think of some type of comeback when this happens (and yes, it happens often) but I was so taken aback by this man's attack, that I just kind of stood there, waiting for my friend to respond. But he didn't, he just smiled and let the asshole keep talking until I walked away. Now, I'm still friends with this man and he's actually a really awesome guy. I could see that night that he felt extremely awkward. But, come on! You can't just be like, "What the fuck's your problem?" Would you let someone sling any other insults at your friend? Would you just sit there while someone called your friend ugly, worthless, or stupid? Probably not. You don't have to be a hero or anything, but just letting people know that they shouldn't be dicks goes a long way in helping to weed them out, especially since that dickhead wouldn't care if the fat person themselves responded, but might care if you do.

 

You can be upfront and still be kind.

There are sometimes situations in which a very overweight person might have trouble because of their weight. If you're concerned about one of these particular situations, it's best to just be completely upfront with your fat friend. For example, if you plan on going sky diving with your group of friends, and you don't know if your fat friend will be able to do it, just talk to them about it. Invite them along. Trust me, there will immediately be sirens going off in their head with a neon sign flashing WEIGHT LIMIT! WEIGHT LIMIT! Your fat friend will figure out if she can do this and then get back to you. However, it's not the best policy to try and avoid your fat friend all together during this topic of conversation. She'll find out about it one way or another and then realize that you were leaving her out. This makes us feel worse because you either A) know she won't be able to do it and pity her, B) are embarrassed for her or C) are assuming she couldn't handle not being able to do it. So just invite them along and see what they say. It can also be very simple tasks, but no matter what, if you assume someone is going to get angry, it kind of does make them angry. For example, the first year at my job, the female teachers were doing a dance performance for Chinese New Year. We all had to wear a costume and the other teachers needed my measurements. I could very obviously see that they were whispering to each other in the office about how to ask me for them, until I just said, "Hey, I already know them and can write them down for you." But the whole treating me like I'm some type of ticking time bomb or frail little flower is extremely condescending and frustrating. Be upfront. Be kind. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.  

 

Acknowledge that your fat friend is treated differently.

This is always the one filled with the most contention. I have met people before who, although they are lovely to me, just cannot concede that fat people are treated differently than thin people. I've seen people scrunch up their faces at this, or roll their eyes as if this is just some imaginary insecurity I have. Trust me, it isn't. Fat people are treated differently by most everyone, sometimes intentionally, but (I believe) mostly subconsciously.

As an example, I worked as a waitress for a while and after taking some man's order, (a bowl of chili) I asked the extremely standard question, "Will that be all for you?" The man looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen. I mean, really, his disgust was palpable. He said, quite angrily, "It's a huge bowl!" I finished taking orders from the rest of his family and while walking away, heard him say "Jesus, how much does she expect people to eat?!"

Just as there is privilege that comes with being white or being male, there is privilege that comes with being thin. People do not assume you are lazy, or unhealthy, or that you eat only junk food all the time if you are thin (although you could very well be all of these things). They DO assume this all when you are fat. When you eat a slice of pizza, people do not think that you should limit yourself. In fact, if you are a thin woman and you joke about binge watching Netflix and eating copious amounts of chocolate, you are considered cute. If a fat person says this, they are met with looks of concern or sometimes disgust. It's a sad but true reality: fat people are treated poorly. I'm not arguing about whose fault this is (I think there's many to blame), but if you are thin and you have a fat friend, try to be understanding of this. You don't have to single-handedly change the way society functions, but awareness does help.