Here Are The Disney Princesses with Food Problems

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I've seen like a million posts about Disney princesses on my newsfeed in the last 10 minutes. It's like society has become obsessed with re-imagining these fictional cartoon characters in the most absurd ways. Disney princesses with short hair! (Spoiler alert: they look exactly the same, but with shorter hair). Disney princesses with tattoos! Disney princesses on crack! (No difference.)

So, I thought I would do my own version of this sick and demented game. What would the Disney princesses look like while following a strict diet?

Ariel

 Ariel is fed the fuck up with all the expectations which non-mermaid women are expected to live up to. Besides having to shave her legs, she never realized how difficult it was to maintain her weight without the benefit of swimming 24 hours a day. Her diet, which used to consist mostly of seaweed, has been viciously derailed by the modern western cuisine. Eric tried to give her a sweet sentimental gift for her birthday, but when she opened it and found that it was a fork, all she could think of was the smorgasbord of foods she could no longer have without running the risk of becoming fat, a fate worse than being banished, voiceless in the depths of the ocean.





Ariel desperately tries to find low-everything diets online, but finds herself becoming more than frustrated at the endless contradictions within the nutrition world. Sadly, Ariel suffered an aneurysm after she discovered that kale is actually bad for you.

 

 

Jasmine

The once sexy, sultry Jasmine has let herself go and is now desperately trying to get back down to her original size. Her moment of awakening about her obesity came after she killed the magic carpet by sitting on it. Now, she spends most days torn by guilt and trying to relinquish it with hummus and falafels. Aladdin, true to his integrity, as stayed and promised to help her regain her health and hopefully not any more weight.

Snow White

Of all the Disney princesses, Snow White's story may just be the most tragic. You see, Snow was living happily with the prince until one day she found him messing around with 6 of the dwarfs (Sleepy passed out and can't remember what happened). Then, Snow began to spiral out of control with her food issues. Night by night, she would Netflix binge while eating delivery. Her friends tried to help her get back to healthy foods, but now that they think of it, an apple probably wasn't going to bring up any happy memories for her.


Eventually, Snow could no longer fill the emptiness inside of her with junk food, and started drinking. Now, there is rarely an event at the castle in which Snow is sober, and the Prince is close to calling it quits. Recently, Snow was seen drinking alone in the forest, crying over the loss of her beloved.

Alice

As it turns out, Alice is just like any normal girl in that every delicious food she sees has "Eat Me" written all over it. And after discovering that she actually has the power to simply drink her magic potion and shrink back down again, Alice eats with abandon! On average, Alice consumes over 6000 calories a day. She was recently spotted giving zero fucks in an eating contest with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Since, The Rock has refused to show his face in public after being humiliated by someone one hundredth his size. 

"Pass the cupcakes, b*t**! I'm workin' up an appetite."

 

Belle

You might be surprised to know that Belle actually had food issues all along. Remember that scene in the movie when she was slurping her soup like a frail, little lost kitten? Well, it turns out it was all a ruse for the Disney producers. "It's hard to live up to the standards," she said in a recent interview, "because they all want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed." In actually, Belle eats more like this:

 That's right, this gorgeous little lamb can devour food with the best of them. Why do you think she and the Beast clicked so quickly? Did you really think it was his looks? But how does she keep off the weight? Belle recently divulged that she struggles with bulimia. Several people have tried to warn her against this unhealthy eating disorder, but she insists that she just does it so she can eat more. 


In order to prove that she's healthy, and also bat shit crazy, Belle recently filmed herself in a remake of the "Wrecking Ball" video. Belle claims that she's simply tired of living a double life, ya'll. "In order to get away from the persona that people knew me for, I had to do something drastic. I figured copying a crazy superstar would be the solution." In the video, Belle appears to be in good health, however, she admits that she still has issues with food:

"I still feel like I have a relationship with food, but whatever, I'm just livin' my life inside my castle so f*ck off you don't like it."

 

 

UPDATE!

Since publishing this article, we've found that Jasmine has since lost the weight! Check out her cover on Cosmopolitan:

In the article, out this September, Jasmine is quoted as saying, "I'm so relieved to not be fat anymore. It's awful. And you know what, as long as I'm making young girls feel insecure about their body image, I feel like I've done my job."

That you have Jasmine! Buy this issue to find out the secret behind her surgery weight loss.