This is What It's Like to Feel Defeated

Why, Health Gods, Have You Conspired Against Me?

It's been a pretty shitty week in the world of uninspiring diet and exercise. It feels like shit started snowballing on Sunday...

I didn't lose any god damn weight.

I weigh-in on Sundays and last week, to my dismay, I realized I hadn't lost anything. Zero. Nada. Kosong...I don't know how to say nothing in any other language. How can I express how frustrating this is when you've been working your ass off to do everything right? FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Yeah, yeah, I know that weight fluctuation and water retention are things. Things that happen. Things that are relatively unavoidable.

But....it still sucks. And I'm sure any of you reading this who have ever been on a diet know exactly what I'm talking about. In addition to not losing anything, I also have anxiety and have started to worry if anything that I'm eating might be causing me to gain back what I've lost. It's like you just look at the Corn Flakes and think 'Are you the one, motherfucker?'

Cooking was extremely unsuccessful last week. FAIL!

I like to cook most of my meals for the week on Saturday and Sunday because it's much more convenient to come home and just have to heat something up. But this last week, I made two god damn monstrosities in the kitchen. First, I made come chicken taco chili. I've made it before and it is usually absurdly delicious and easy to take to work for my lunches. However, I also made this the same night that I decided to go out and have a few drinks with some friends. I very foolishly trusted my husband to remember to turn the crock pot off at 8pm. He forgot. So when I came home at around 12:30, that fucking chili had shriveled up into hard beans and the driest damn chicken you've ever seen. It wasn't even a soup anymore, just balls of beans and chicken.


THEN....I made a casserole and fucking up this one was completely my fault. I think because I was so pissed off by the chili, I just sort of half-assed the casserole. It was truly atrocious. I ate them both because I paid for all that food and I also don't like wasting a ton of food either. So for the last week, my lunches and dinners have been awful.

My hopes and dreams were cancelled.

In a surprisingly inspiring twist of fate, I decided to sign up for a 5K run. It has been a goal of mine to run one for a while, and signing up gave me such a boost of motivation. Benji and I have been jogging almost every night since. Those of you who know me well understand that this is a big fucking deal for me. Especially since jogging usually goes like this for me:

So when I opened my inbox and saw a message from The Color Run Jakarta, I expected it to be a letter reminding me to pick up my race pack next week. Instead, it was a very short note stating curtly that the event had been cancelled. CANCELLED! WHAT. THE. FUCK.

It's almost like there is some  god of fitness out there that's just like, "Looks like Ashley might be doing pretty well with this diet and exercise thing. You know what, let's cancel that one thing she was actually looking forward to."

I'm still surrounded by dicks at work. 

Oh?

This last week at my school we had sports day and all the teachers participated in aerobics. I thought this was fun until many of the teachers came up to comment on how shocked they were that I could move. Not move quickly, or be agile, literally just move.

"Oh, Ms. Ashley, you can do it!" (Ohhs and ahhs from the crowd.)

"Maybe if you do like this everyday Ms., you can look like Ms. Sekar." (Pointing at another skinny teacher.)

"It's good that you exercise, Ms. Ashley. It will make you healthy." 

Please, tell me more about having a healthy lifestyle while you shove fried shit down your throats and reap the benefits of skinny genes. (Yes, I meant to spell it like that.)

But there's good news. 

So far, this weekend has been very successful cooking wise. Hopefully tomorrow, I don't step on the scale and discover that I've still made no progress. That would just be the cherry on top of another fucked up Sunday. (Yes, I meant to spell it like that.)